The last time I thought about this blog, I was a 17-year-old high school senior. It's kind of funny that, on the night it comes back into my mind, I'm wearing my senior hoodie.
I remember writing the things I wrote, and feeling them with such desperation. I remember needing, with everything inside of me, to just believe that I was loved, and that I was forgiven for all the parts of me that I thought were horrible. I remember being so full of self-hate when I wrote them.
I mean, I still hate myself a lot, but I've made peace with that I think. I've made peace with a lot of things about myself. I'm gay as hell, for starters, and I've stopped trying to be something else. And I'm not so religious. I don't trust the God I wrote about, and haven't for a long time.
I don't know why I'm even writing on here, really. Except that I'm really anxious about something and I don't want my girlfriend-elect* to see. I'd usually rant about this sort of thing on tumblr, but she follows me there.
This probably isn't good foundation for a relationship, if I'm being honest -- this trying to hide things from her. But I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I like her so much and I don't want her to see this and realize what a mistake she's making.
I'm just so anxious. It seems like almost every person I tried to get close to abandoned me for a while. I can't remember most of them anymore. Others I won't talk about here. But I don't understand closeness. I don't know how to do it without being too much, too loud, too needy and clingy and weird. I don't want to scare her away but I also don't know how to tone myself down. I'm too much. I'm way too freaking much.
I don't know what I intended to come from this post, other than just getting it out. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to do something stupid or say something hurtful and she'll leave because she'll realize what a mistake she's making with me. I just want to do good and be good for her. She deserves goodness and I want to give it to her, so badly. I don't know. It's a lot. I'm a lot.
*She came up with that title and it's the cutest thing ever oh my god. I like her a lot. She's smart and funny and beautiful and so freaking cool and interesting, and she makes me feel safe and worthy.
