Three Years Later

The last time I thought about this blog, I was a 17-year-old high school senior. It's kind of funny that, on the night it comes back into my mind, I'm wearing my senior hoodie.

I remember writing the things I wrote, and feeling them with such desperation. I remember needing, with everything inside of me, to just believe that I was loved, and that I was forgiven for all the parts of me that I thought were horrible. I remember being so full of self-hate when I wrote them.

I mean, I still hate myself a lot, but I've made peace with that I think. I've made peace with a lot of things about myself. I'm gay as hell, for starters, and I've stopped trying to be something else. And I'm not so religious. I don't trust the God I wrote about, and haven't for a long time.

I don't know why I'm even writing on here, really. Except that I'm really anxious about something and I don't want my girlfriend-elect* to see. I'd usually rant  about this sort of thing on tumblr, but she follows me there.

This probably isn't good foundation for a relationship, if I'm being honest -- this trying to hide things from her. But I'm not ready to talk about it yet. I like her so much and I don't want her to see this and realize what a mistake she's making.

I'm just so anxious. It seems like almost every person I tried to get close to abandoned me for a while. I can't remember most of them anymore. Others I won't talk about here. But I don't understand closeness. I don't know how to do it without being too much, too loud, too needy and clingy and weird. I don't want to scare her away but I also don't know how to tone myself down. I'm too much. I'm way too freaking much.

I don't know what I intended to come from this post, other than just getting it out. I'm so scared that one day I'm going to do something stupid or say something hurtful and she'll leave because she'll realize what a mistake she's making with me. I just want to do good and be good for her. She deserves goodness and I want to give it to her, so badly. I don't know. It's a lot. I'm a lot.

*She came up with that title and it's the cutest thing ever oh my god. I like her a lot. She's smart and funny and beautiful and so freaking cool and interesting, and she makes me feel safe and worthy.

Prayer

   So I'm sitting here trying to figure out what to say. I haven't blogged in a long time. I'm not good at being consistent.

   A lot of us aren't good at being consistent, right? I obviously struggle with it, as evidenced by how the last post was in January or something. I think one area where I really struggle with being consistent is my prayer life. 1 Thessalonians 5:17 (ESV) says simply, "Pray without ceasing."
  If only, right?

   I have a lot of Christian friends, and sometimes I'll admit I'm a little jealous of their prayer lives. They can just pray and be so chill with God at the drop of a hat. They sound so eloquent when they pray, while I'm over here stumbling and not really being sure what I should say. How should I talk to God? I understand the model of the Lord's Prayer, and I get the format. I don't get how I should approach the subject.

   I was talking with a lovely friend and mentor on Monday last week about that. I was explaining her that I didn't know how to approach God, and I gave her the two conflicting views of God I had that made it so confusing for me.

View #1 is a cute litte story!:
   There is a young girl, only seven years old. She often falls into the mud because she doesn't pay attention to the paths her father the King had paved for her to keep her safe. On one such day, she was walking on the path with her favorite doll. The King had it especially made for her and she treasured it like nothing else. But she was a very silly girl and she wandered off her father's path, only to drop her dear favorite doll in the mud. It was filthy and she began to cry. 

   She ran to the war room, where her father was having a terribly important war meeting with generals and high ranking officials. Every eye was trained on her as she entered, but she payed no mind. She wasn't there to see the King in his war meeting, she was there to see her father who loved her. A general rose to send the little girl out but before he could, the king was kneeling next to her and had his arms around her, comforting her and cleaning off her doll.

   The king was incredibly important. He had a lot to deal with. There was a war raging at the edges of his kingdom, people were enslaved that he was working to free, and there were starving children that he had to feed, people sick and dying, and there were those who pretended that the King wasn't actually in charge of the kingdom they lived in that he was working with. But when his daughter came in, he saw her face and her doll and he knew what had happened. She had wandered off of the path that he had taken such careful time to pave for her, just like he knew she would. She had ruined the special doll he had made just for her with his own hands. And he wasn't angry with her for it. He loved her for it and promised to fix the doll. He asked her to stay on the path he had made, knowing well that she would wander off again and that he would forgive her again and love her just the same.

View #2 isn't a story, but a picture:

   There is a terrifying machine stored in an underground bunker. This is a weapon that can destroy all life on the planet; perhaps even on the planets nearby, if any life exists. And there you are, standing before it. You know very well this weapon has the potential to kill you at any second. Just boom, and your life could be over. And yet everything in the world draws its energy from the machine. It is a massive machine, immensely complex the source of power to everything in the world that has the potential to destroy everything in a matter of seconds. You are incredibly careful.

   God is  a loving father, a gentle king who has a whole lot to deal with, but chooses to deal with me. But he's also immensely powerful. The Mighty Creator of the universe with the earth as His footstool, who knows the beginning from the end, who knows every vain, mean, selfish thought I have and loves me despite all of that.

  I know that God deals kindly with me because of Jesus, not begrudgingly because of my sin. I know that He loves me infinitely and more than I could ever understand. I also understand that He is mighty and strong and infinitely powerful. So how do I approach Him? How do we, as the church approach the Creator?

   With fear and trembling? As His bride? As his child? As a friend? As all of these things?

   For the moment, I think the important thing is that we simply approach Him. 

Don't Be Talking to Yourself

  I want to say something, but I don't know what or really that people will care. I like to do things like this, where I can just share my feelings without being judged, and I like to do it on the computer because I can type faster than I can write, so I can almost keep up with my brain. It's so frustrating when I'm trying to journal, and then everything I'm thinking is forgotten because my hands can't keep up with my brain. It's so frustrating.

  I watched one of Mike Donehey's old vlogs, and it was about prayer. I'd advise you to watch said vlog. When he mentioned that bit about praying out loud, I felt really convicted. It takes faith to pray out loud. It takes a belief that God is real and present. How little faith do we really have, love? Do you realize how much faith it takes to pray aloud? The first challenge that comes to mind when  I contemplate this is my insecurity and my pride. What if someone thinks I'm talking to myself? That's weird. I won't do that. It would lower other people's opinions of me, because they would be thinking something that I don't want them to. 

  But does it really matter what people think of us? We're already not of this world, right? And if we are no longer darkness, but light (Ephesians 5:8), then should we worry about what darkness thinks of us, love? No we shouldn't.

  And are we really talking to ourselves? Sometimes it feels like it. It takes faith to pray out loud alone. When I did, I felt for a while like I was just talking to myself. I'm so used to having people around, and for the prayer to be picked up by someone once I'm finished. But when it's just me and God? What if He sees my flaws, hears me stumbling over my words? What if He hears my silence? What if He speaks and says exactly what I don't want to hear? It's scary, but it's great for growing your faith.

  When you pray out loud, you exercise the belief that God is omnipresent and is, in fact, close enough to hear you. That isn't always something that's tapped into. But when it is, it's powerful. And it's pretty cool. 

Amazing

  I've tried four times to get out what I mean to say. I've sat here and typed paragraphs and deleted them because they just don't capture what I'm trying to say. So I'm just going to write and hope it makes sense.


  God is amazing. I just want to scream it from the rooftops. God. Is. Amazing. God is so far above anything I could ever imagine, so much higher and more awesome than anything I could ever dream of. He breathes out stars and speaks light. His hands dropped the stars into place and I know he knows their names. The sky screams his praises, the sun rises and sets to the glory of his name. There is nothing like Him, no one like Him in the whole of creation. He cares for the birds and the trees, He cares for His creation because he loves to do so. How magnificent is that. Everything he's done is awesome, even if it doesn't look that way. He's provided so much and kept me so long, I could never trust another like I trust Him. He's the one who I know I can turn to when I'm scared, when I feel alone or distressed, when I don't know what to do, when I'm overjoyed and don't know what to do with the happiness I feel. He's there. I could never hide from Him because his eye is always on me. He doesn't look away because he loves me. It's insane.
   I don't think I could ever fully comprehend all that He is or all the love He has for me. He holds me and never lets go, He's patient and kind and generous and so many more things that no language could ever quite convey. The few words that I can give are far less than what He deserves but I don't have anything else to give. And even in my piddly little offering, He's glad. Because He's amazing.

I Love You Too

  So, I'm back with another post. Because I know how much you guys love them (joke, haha). Seriously though, I don't know why nothing would come whenever I was trying to write something, but it wouldn't come.

  A couple of days ago, I was listening to Mumford and Sons because I'm such a hipster, and the song "White Blank Page" came on because it was part of the playlist. No biggie, right? Songs usually come on when they're part of a playlist. The song is here:

  So I was listening to that song and one of the lines I had never really listened to caught my ear. He says "You desired my attention, but denied my affection." And I got this weird look on my face like I just ate something rotten and was watching the most beautiful sunset in the universe at the same time. In that line, I didn't just hear Marcus Mumford singing, I heard a near desperate, almost heartbroken cry.  In that line, God was saying to me "You desired my attention but denied my affection." And then later, the same desperation came through in the line "Tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?" 

  I wanted to cry. 

 I thought of all the "conversations" I had with God where I'm accusing Him of something.

  "Why are you making this so hard on me? Why don't you make it easier? Do you like to see me fail?"

  Tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?  I wasn't listening.

  "God, why isn't this working out the exact way I want it? Do you like frustrating me or something?"

  Tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart? Again, I didn't listen.

   Needless to say, after listening to this song, I was very upset with myself. I desired His attention but denied His affection, when really that's all I need. And it upset me so much. How could I have been so heartless, so blind to the love that was being offered to me? All He's done is love me and all I've done is "gimme gimme." Even now as I'm writing this I feel a little disgust at the way I've been. A spoiled brat.

  It got me to wondering if anyone else acted this way. If you're acting like a brat, there's no shame and no condemnation, but stop it (in the most loving way possible). Here we have a God infinite in being and abounding in love, and he wants to give us that love and instead he's nudging us, saying "You desired my attention, but denied my affection. So tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?" And we just gripe. We need to stop. We need to be a loving bride, not a nag who only wants more and more. I'm amazed that He still loves us with all of that whining we do. And yet, in His awesomeness and fantasticality, He still loves us. 

I Just Wanna be Real

  I've been trying to blog and it just isn't working. So I'm just letting you guys know I haven't abandoned this blog. Just a dry season is all. Please don't hate me.... I'M SO SORRY AMERICA I HAVE FAILED YOU (spirals into hysterical weeping fit). I love you all. Happily forever after, the end.

CHRIS AUGUST VIDEO IS TIBI. TIBI=TO YOU. CHRIS AUGUST VIDEO IS TO YOU. KBAI.

Why my Mommy is the Best.

  My mommy is the best mommy in the world. Words simply cannot describe how much she means to me. My mother is a role model. I can look to her for wisdom and guidance because she knows what to do.
  My mother is a source of constant support for me. She supports me and believes in me. My mother is a woman who has hope. She believes in dreams. I want to go to Liberty University and she doesn't think that it's crazy. She believes that I will succeed in missions after high school. She believes that I am a winner.
  My mother is wise and she is faithful. She has taught me to honor my commitments. She does not believe in making promises and breaking them. My mom has taught me integrity. She has taught me that it doesn't matter who is around, what's right is what's right and it doesn't matter who's around, I should do what's right.
  My mother has taught me how to follow God wholeheartedly. God comes first, then family, then ministry. My mom passionately pursues God above all, and she has taught me to trust in Him. She is such an example of how to trust in God even when it seems like foolishness to us as people.
  My mommy is so much fun. She might not catch my sarcasm all the time and I might not get half of her jokes, but my mom is funny. She doesn't take life too seriously. She knows how to have fun and enjoy herself even when other people would be worrying over stupid stuff and she's taught me how to do the same. She likes to laugh and she has such a...unique...sense of humor.
 
  I honestly have no idea where I would be if my mother were not in my life. I can't even imagine what I would be without her. I love my mother so much. She is truly the best in the world.